Getting back to Glasgow was only 7000% easier than trying to get from the UK to the US a few weeks ago, despite the 2+feet of snow we had in the Northeast the day before I was flying, so we'll skip over that, as it's pretty boring ("Sitting on a plane!" "This plane is leaving the airport!" "We are landing!" "Welcome back to Heathrow DID YOU MISS US" "Scotland!"). I am still super-jet lagged and that's going to be ongoing for a while, unfortunately -I went out for pints earlier and nearly fell asleep on the table, came home, slept for an hour and a half, woke up panicked, and now can't get back to sleep...
But anyway.
You know what? Scotland's a ridiculous country. Like, I legitimately have no idea how this place manages to function, but I did miss it in it's own little way. While I was home I found myself longing for kettles (how do we live without these?), pub life, how small things are "wee", the ridiculous unpreparedness for any weather event that is not rain, mayo or butter in everything, severe Scottish liberalism about everything ever... even not entirely understanding anything anyone says to me again is kind of fun! (I admit I did not miss having everything close at 7 pm.)
And, you know, coming back and having friends who are excited to see you is nice too - it makes it a lot less scary than the first time I landed, knowing nothing about the city (and only one person on the continent!). This semester a bunch of people I know from UNH are doing study-abroads in the UK, so I think that this will prove to be a little less alienating. It's nice to know other people in the same time zone as you.
I think I've been doing really well at assimilating to Scottish/British culture. Glasgow's a mad city, as the Brits would say, but it's almost starting to make sense.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
15 January 2011
09 January 2011
from this position I can see the whole place
I don't talk about my work often on the internet, mostly because I want to maintain some anonymity in this space. I'm working on building a website about myself & my research, and I am on what could most accurately be called "a facebook for academics", so I guess if you're really interested you can check out my work on there. (If I ever finish that website I'll be sure to let you know.)
While I am home - technically I am "on holiday" - I still have work to do. Yes, you read that right. I've been working on a chapter (10,000 words) of my masters thesis while I'm home. Anyway, while I've been home I've also been seeing some old friends, who have been inquiring about my work. I proposed a really big project for a 12-month Master's thesis, and it's been cut down a lot to something really specific since then. This was fine, in fact, that's the nature of research. Unfortunately, it meant that I didn't really know how to explain to people what I've been doing: I was explaining it as something between my proposed project and what I thought I was striving for.
I'm not going to lie to you - no matter how interesting and invested in your work you are, when that's all you do on a daily basis, it's hard to see outside your narrow field of focus sometimes. Sometimes it's kind of boring. My research involved building a database, and that was all I did for a month. You can really only look at words so many times before they start to lose their meanings, you know? It took some time to step back and really see what I had been doing every day. And then I realized that I hadn't been doing what I thought I had been doing all along... in fact, I was doing something very different. So now I have a new(er), more accurate description of what I've been working on, which fits and feels much better.
It's also good to get a different perspective on what I've been doing. Glasgow's great because there's a lot of linguistics going on, but I'm not entirely working in linguists and I'm not quite an English literature student - I'm kind of in the middle. I mentioned to a couple other grad-school-going friends lately that I'm having a hard time finding conferences and publications to be looking at, only because my field is so very small. And they all brought up an important point - you WANT to be the one of the only people doing what you're doing, because when you're done you'll have participated in an entirely new approach to your field. (This is very good for my ego, I'll have you all know.)
While I am home - technically I am "on holiday" - I still have work to do. Yes, you read that right. I've been working on a chapter (10,000 words) of my masters thesis while I'm home. Anyway, while I've been home I've also been seeing some old friends, who have been inquiring about my work. I proposed a really big project for a 12-month Master's thesis, and it's been cut down a lot to something really specific since then. This was fine, in fact, that's the nature of research. Unfortunately, it meant that I didn't really know how to explain to people what I've been doing: I was explaining it as something between my proposed project and what I thought I was striving for.
I'm not going to lie to you - no matter how interesting and invested in your work you are, when that's all you do on a daily basis, it's hard to see outside your narrow field of focus sometimes. Sometimes it's kind of boring. My research involved building a database, and that was all I did for a month. You can really only look at words so many times before they start to lose their meanings, you know? It took some time to step back and really see what I had been doing every day. And then I realized that I hadn't been doing what I thought I had been doing all along... in fact, I was doing something very different. So now I have a new(er), more accurate description of what I've been working on, which fits and feels much better.
It's also good to get a different perspective on what I've been doing. Glasgow's great because there's a lot of linguistics going on, but I'm not entirely working in linguists and I'm not quite an English literature student - I'm kind of in the middle. I mentioned to a couple other grad-school-going friends lately that I'm having a hard time finding conferences and publications to be looking at, only because my field is so very small. And they all brought up an important point - you WANT to be the one of the only people doing what you're doing, because when you're done you'll have participated in an entirely new approach to your field. (This is very good for my ego, I'll have you all know.)
02 January 2011
we've been going transcontinental
It's good to be back in America, but I won't lie - it's been a little strange. I'm sometimes slow to warm up to new places until I get really comfortable there. It's like coming home after your first semester of college - everything is comfortable at home, because you know it.
Though I do really like living in Glasgow, I had missed America a lot; there's a lot of familiar American things that I had taken for granted for the past 22 years. On the other hand, it was like reverse culture shock to come back to the States. I guess I've integrated myself into Scottish/UK culture pretty well. It helps that I'm surrounded 24/7 by Europeans.
My friends in the UK are convinced that everything about America is huge. I respectfully disagreed with parts of this - America itself is huge, you could travel for hours and only make it across a few states - until I came back. Everything IN America is massive! The roads, the portions, the stores.... I went to supermarket recently and was just floored by how much stuff we can cram into one store. I'd have to go to three separate places to get all the stuff we sell in one store. It's almost excessive. I was equally amazed by Wal-Mart, Best Buy and Barnes & Noble. (The other thing that floors me is how expensive America seems to be - I've been thinking in pounds rather than dollars. Of course, when you convert everything, it evens out.)
Now, I am not a fashionista in any sense of the word. I can barely put together an outfit by myself - I have effectively one outfit in a few different colors. When I first came to Glasgow I was amazed at how fashionable and well-put-together everyone was; coming back I am amazed at what some people wear in public - American standards for clothing is appalling. I mean, cargo pants? really? Simultaneously I feel awkwardly underdressed for UK standards and overdressed for American standards, which is a little strange.
I even speak this really weird combination of American and Scots English that I didn't realize I was doing. While I was in London, I kept throwing people off by saying really Scottish things with an American accent, but I chalked that up to simply still being in the UK. I came back here and catch myself saying some really BrE/Scots things, like "hiya" and "cheers", which must make me sound really strange. The other day I said "jumper" - I don't even say jumper in the UK! It's nice to hear so many American accents and not have to mentally translate them, but I almost fell out of my chair when I heard a proper Boston accent the other day in the coffeeshop.
I have an ex-boyfriend who lived in Europe for some time growing up. There's a lot about him I understand now, that I didn't understand before. I've definitely noticed how I feel about a lot of things now have changed from three months ago. For starters, I am really alarmed at how self-centered and self-congratulatory American news is... Yes, there's a lot of America, but things that are happening in the world affect us much more than we think! Previously I was amazed at what UK news chooses to highlight about American news, but I came back and read the past months' TIME magazines, like the Person of the Year stuff and all of that, and it is SO us-centric, which is really kind of disappointing, you know?
I do miss how ridiculous the UK can be over simple things. But it's good to be back in the land of fame & excess.
Though I do really like living in Glasgow, I had missed America a lot; there's a lot of familiar American things that I had taken for granted for the past 22 years. On the other hand, it was like reverse culture shock to come back to the States. I guess I've integrated myself into Scottish/UK culture pretty well. It helps that I'm surrounded 24/7 by Europeans.
My friends in the UK are convinced that everything about America is huge. I respectfully disagreed with parts of this - America itself is huge, you could travel for hours and only make it across a few states - until I came back. Everything IN America is massive! The roads, the portions, the stores.... I went to supermarket recently and was just floored by how much stuff we can cram into one store. I'd have to go to three separate places to get all the stuff we sell in one store. It's almost excessive. I was equally amazed by Wal-Mart, Best Buy and Barnes & Noble. (The other thing that floors me is how expensive America seems to be - I've been thinking in pounds rather than dollars. Of course, when you convert everything, it evens out.)
Now, I am not a fashionista in any sense of the word. I can barely put together an outfit by myself - I have effectively one outfit in a few different colors. When I first came to Glasgow I was amazed at how fashionable and well-put-together everyone was; coming back I am amazed at what some people wear in public - American standards for clothing is appalling. I mean, cargo pants? really? Simultaneously I feel awkwardly underdressed for UK standards and overdressed for American standards, which is a little strange.
I even speak this really weird combination of American and Scots English that I didn't realize I was doing. While I was in London, I kept throwing people off by saying really Scottish things with an American accent, but I chalked that up to simply still being in the UK. I came back here and catch myself saying some really BrE/Scots things, like "hiya" and "cheers", which must make me sound really strange. The other day I said "jumper" - I don't even say jumper in the UK! It's nice to hear so many American accents and not have to mentally translate them, but I almost fell out of my chair when I heard a proper Boston accent the other day in the coffeeshop.
I have an ex-boyfriend who lived in Europe for some time growing up. There's a lot about him I understand now, that I didn't understand before. I've definitely noticed how I feel about a lot of things now have changed from three months ago. For starters, I am really alarmed at how self-centered and self-congratulatory American news is... Yes, there's a lot of America, but things that are happening in the world affect us much more than we think! Previously I was amazed at what UK news chooses to highlight about American news, but I came back and read the past months' TIME magazines, like the Person of the Year stuff and all of that, and it is SO us-centric, which is really kind of disappointing, you know?
I do miss how ridiculous the UK can be over simple things. But it's good to be back in the land of fame & excess.
23 December 2010
alone in kyoto
"This wasn’t a strange place, it was a new one." --Paulo Coehlo
The thing about London is that it feels instantly familiar, like i've been here forever. I realize how blasphemous this is to say, but London feels like America. Maybe it's because I can understand everybody without difficulty (ahem, SCOTLAND), and because it is MASSIVE - though I'm in London it takes about an hour to get into Central London. The trains and the underground feel instantly familiar too- like I could be in Boston or New York or San Francisco. (I wonder if all trains everywhere make everyone feel the same.)
Either way, Windsor's very self sufficient, and I've been living in the UK long enough to recognize stores and stuff, which is good; it's a lot less scary than it could be - I was very nervous about getting stranded in Paris next, to be honest. We've got a Wetherspoon's here, which does cheap food; there's a book store and a couple WH Smiths, a Boots, a H&M, a Marks & Spencers and a Waitrose (which looks EXACTLY like an American supermarket). So maybe I'm in bizzaro America. I've always felt like London was its own planet anyway.
I've been trying to enjoy myself while I'm here; it's an adventure, right? I went in to Central London on Monday to do tourist things in six hours, assuming that I was going to Paris the next day; on Tuesday I met a friend of mine who is a local Londoner for a film and few drinks (it was good to see a familiar face after all of this.) Today I think I might go back in and look around some more.
Luckily I read as about 25-26 rather than 22, which is working in my favor while I'm here; and I do use Scottish words in an American accent, which does throw people off. But So really, all things considered, I think I'm doing okay. In fact I'm very grateful to have not been at Heathrow Hell since Saturday; here I have a bed and a shower and I have all my luggage - I have not been sleeping in a departure lounge under tinfoil.
The thing about London is that it feels instantly familiar, like i've been here forever. I realize how blasphemous this is to say, but London feels like America. Maybe it's because I can understand everybody without difficulty (ahem, SCOTLAND), and because it is MASSIVE - though I'm in London it takes about an hour to get into Central London. The trains and the underground feel instantly familiar too- like I could be in Boston or New York or San Francisco. (I wonder if all trains everywhere make everyone feel the same.)
Either way, Windsor's very self sufficient, and I've been living in the UK long enough to recognize stores and stuff, which is good; it's a lot less scary than it could be - I was very nervous about getting stranded in Paris next, to be honest. We've got a Wetherspoon's here, which does cheap food; there's a book store and a couple WH Smiths, a Boots, a H&M, a Marks & Spencers and a Waitrose (which looks EXACTLY like an American supermarket). So maybe I'm in bizzaro America. I've always felt like London was its own planet anyway.
I've been trying to enjoy myself while I'm here; it's an adventure, right? I went in to Central London on Monday to do tourist things in six hours, assuming that I was going to Paris the next day; on Tuesday I met a friend of mine who is a local Londoner for a film and few drinks (it was good to see a familiar face after all of this.) Today I think I might go back in and look around some more.
Luckily I read as about 25-26 rather than 22, which is working in my favor while I'm here; and I do use Scottish words in an American accent, which does throw people off. But So really, all things considered, I think I'm doing okay. In fact I'm very grateful to have not been at Heathrow Hell since Saturday; here I have a bed and a shower and I have all my luggage - I have not been sleeping in a departure lounge under tinfoil.
14 November 2010
meeting people is easy
It would be presumptuous to say that I was a popular person at home. I certainly knew many people, though. If I wanted to do something, there would almost always be someone around. Also, I don't know how to talk about Having Friends without feeling like I'm six years old, but here we go.
If I were to move almost anywhere within the continental US, I am fairly certain that I would know someone (or know a friend-of-a-friend) who lived there too. And if I didn't, the time zone isn't different enough that I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with everyone. It's not like moving a seven-hour plane ride away! I don't like to keep harping on this point, but going from knowing a ton of people on one continent and then moving to a new continent where you don't know a soul is, quite frankly, a terrifying prospect. You have to go out and meet people, and you have to make friends all over again. And it's stressful! You have to remember to call them or text them and invite them to do things and try not to feel like you're bothering them. I spent a lot of time doing things that interested me, like going to art galleries and gigs and such, hoping that I would meet people who also liked these things. Unfortunately some of the things I'm into are not the most accessible things to invite someone to - "hey, do you want to come with me to a minimalist composer's concert?"
The international society has a weekly pub night, where we all converge on a pub and socialize, so of course I go to that - I now have a pretty solid group of international-student-friends who go every week (mostly Germans, they're a lot of fun) and I think I am friends with most of the people in my office (although I feel like I probably come off as a tool most of the time, to be honest; there's a handful of MRes students though, and we all hang out together as The Newbies). Everyone in the office is really nice and we all get along really well - it's a good group of people.
And then a really strange small-world twist of fate, I ran into a girl whom i had had been introduced to briefly once at a gig a few weeks ago - it turns out she is my advisor's wife's student over at Glasgow university, studying sociolinguistics. She runs something called Lock Up Your Daughters, which is a magazine & monthly club night - I met her girlfriend and bunch of her friends and they've been great. (Though I am definitely comfortable with my international friends and my office friends, I did need some gay friends. Sometimes international groups of people are not the best places to be out, loud & proud, you know? I live near a whole bunch of gay clubs but would never go to them alone, and I'd feel weird asking a straight person to come with me.) But yeah - I've been hanging out with the LUYD crew and getting involved in that, which has been fun; they're exactly the sort of liberalminded queermos I was looking for when I first arrived.
So there's that! YOU GUYS I HAVE FRIENDS.
(On a mostly unrelated sidenote, this is how I am apparently going to a party on Tuesday for the BBC tv show Lip Service, which is like The L Word but set in Glasgow. It's pretty terrible- seriously, check it out. LUYD has been asked to be there to do a DJ set, as they are a "staple of Glasgow's lesbian scene"... I'm starting to get involved with promotional stuff like flyering, so I'm apparently going with them. You guys, these are my friends!)
If I were to move almost anywhere within the continental US, I am fairly certain that I would know someone (or know a friend-of-a-friend) who lived there too. And if I didn't, the time zone isn't different enough that I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with everyone. It's not like moving a seven-hour plane ride away! I don't like to keep harping on this point, but going from knowing a ton of people on one continent and then moving to a new continent where you don't know a soul is, quite frankly, a terrifying prospect. You have to go out and meet people, and you have to make friends all over again. And it's stressful! You have to remember to call them or text them and invite them to do things and try not to feel like you're bothering them. I spent a lot of time doing things that interested me, like going to art galleries and gigs and such, hoping that I would meet people who also liked these things. Unfortunately some of the things I'm into are not the most accessible things to invite someone to - "hey, do you want to come with me to a minimalist composer's concert?"
The international society has a weekly pub night, where we all converge on a pub and socialize, so of course I go to that - I now have a pretty solid group of international-student-friends who go every week (mostly Germans, they're a lot of fun) and I think I am friends with most of the people in my office (although I feel like I probably come off as a tool most of the time, to be honest; there's a handful of MRes students though, and we all hang out together as The Newbies). Everyone in the office is really nice and we all get along really well - it's a good group of people.
And then a really strange small-world twist of fate, I ran into a girl whom i had had been introduced to briefly once at a gig a few weeks ago - it turns out she is my advisor's wife's student over at Glasgow university, studying sociolinguistics. She runs something called Lock Up Your Daughters, which is a magazine & monthly club night - I met her girlfriend and bunch of her friends and they've been great. (Though I am definitely comfortable with my international friends and my office friends, I did need some gay friends. Sometimes international groups of people are not the best places to be out, loud & proud, you know? I live near a whole bunch of gay clubs but would never go to them alone, and I'd feel weird asking a straight person to come with me.) But yeah - I've been hanging out with the LUYD crew and getting involved in that, which has been fun; they're exactly the sort of liberalminded queermos I was looking for when I first arrived.
So there's that! YOU GUYS I HAVE FRIENDS.
(On a mostly unrelated sidenote, this is how I am apparently going to a party on Tuesday for the BBC tv show Lip Service, which is like The L Word but set in Glasgow. It's pretty terrible- seriously, check it out. LUYD has been asked to be there to do a DJ set, as they are a "staple of Glasgow's lesbian scene"... I'm starting to get involved with promotional stuff like flyering, so I'm apparently going with them. You guys, these are my friends!)
26 October 2010
and you in your autumn sweater
It's starting to feel like autumn around here, which is exciting! Previously it was just raining and being warm a lot. Now it is cold and raining! No, just kidding, we've been having some really sunny days lately.
I really like Glasgow a lot - I can see myself being here for a long time, I think - but for now I live in the city centre, where there are no trees. No, that's a lie, I can see a couple trees on my way to my office, but it's not the same as a Proper New England Fall. (Glasgow Green, where I took this picture, is a park about 10 minutes away from where I live. Sometimes I go over to Glasgow University and get jealous of the beautiful West End of Glasgow, complete with trees everywhere.)
I've lived in New England for 22 years, and while I think I am pretty much over homesickness at this point, but I do find myself being surprisingly homesick for New England fall. I think living in New England ruins autumn everywhere else for you.
I've lived in New England for 22 years, and while I think I am pretty much over homesickness at this point, but I do find myself being surprisingly homesick for New England fall. I think living in New England ruins autumn everywhere else for you.
16 October 2010
Help, I'm Alive!: A One-Month Retrospective
[editor's note: Two years ago in late July, I was in Edinburgh, Scotland for a weekend, with food poisoning. Today I am back there on a hike with some Germans, hopefully without food poisoning. Through the magic of the internet and auto-posting, I present the following.]
You guys, I have been in Glasgow for a month! I can't believe it's been a month already. Things are going so, so well - this blog has sort of shown the ups and downs of the first few weeks of moving to a new country by myself, but I definitely feel like each day is better than the last. There's a lot of things that I am still working out - like what side of the street and which side of the stairs to walk on. (This is more complicated than you'd expect.) Sometimes I still have difficulties figuring out where I would go to buy things - we don't have Wal-Mart or Target or CVS here - but this is getting better. Some days I wake up and just really want to see something instantly recognizably American, like peanut butter and jelly or the word "eggplant", and some days I want be able to talk to someone from home and not have to wait for 7pm to be able to do so. But moving to a new place by yourself is an emotional rollercoaster, let alone a new country or a new continent! I think I am doing very well. I have tentative friends! It's all very exciting.
It's an amazing opportunity to be here, and even more of an amazing opportunity to be working with the man who invented my field in addition to meeting all these other important linguists and literary people across three institutions (Strathclyde, Glasgow University, the University of Edinburgh). I am very, very lucky. There's no second-guessing crossing an ocean to do something and the more I am getting into what I am actually doing the more I am absolutely certain this is was absolutely 100% the right choice for me. I love all the work I am doing, and the people around me are so passionate about their work, so deeply involved that I can't imagine them doing anything else. I've been in contact with all these important linguistics people - the other day I met the woman who headed the Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary. (No big deal or anything...only one of my life goals achieved! She was so interested in what I had done and what I am doing here.) Glasgow Uni and Strathclyde are already both aggressively courting me for their PhD program next year; I just want to tell them to cool off a little bit!
I can't believe this is my life. I am so, so lucky.
I definitely still feel like I have a giant American flag tattooed on my forehead, but with every day I feel more integrated into Scottish life. Maybe soon I will start talking with a Scottish accent. (Or at least write a blog post about it, as I keep meaning to.) Or maybe that will just have to wait for month two...
You guys, I have been in Glasgow for a month! I can't believe it's been a month already. Things are going so, so well - this blog has sort of shown the ups and downs of the first few weeks of moving to a new country by myself, but I definitely feel like each day is better than the last. There's a lot of things that I am still working out - like what side of the street and which side of the stairs to walk on. (This is more complicated than you'd expect.) Sometimes I still have difficulties figuring out where I would go to buy things - we don't have Wal-Mart or Target or CVS here - but this is getting better. Some days I wake up and just really want to see something instantly recognizably American, like peanut butter and jelly or the word "eggplant", and some days I want be able to talk to someone from home and not have to wait for 7pm to be able to do so. But moving to a new place by yourself is an emotional rollercoaster, let alone a new country or a new continent! I think I am doing very well. I have tentative friends! It's all very exciting.
It's an amazing opportunity to be here, and even more of an amazing opportunity to be working with the man who invented my field in addition to meeting all these other important linguists and literary people across three institutions (Strathclyde, Glasgow University, the University of Edinburgh). I am very, very lucky. There's no second-guessing crossing an ocean to do something and the more I am getting into what I am actually doing the more I am absolutely certain this is was absolutely 100% the right choice for me. I love all the work I am doing, and the people around me are so passionate about their work, so deeply involved that I can't imagine them doing anything else. I've been in contact with all these important linguistics people - the other day I met the woman who headed the Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary. (No big deal or anything...only one of my life goals achieved! She was so interested in what I had done and what I am doing here.) Glasgow Uni and Strathclyde are already both aggressively courting me for their PhD program next year; I just want to tell them to cool off a little bit!
I can't believe this is my life. I am so, so lucky.
I definitely still feel like I have a giant American flag tattooed on my forehead, but with every day I feel more integrated into Scottish life. Maybe soon I will start talking with a Scottish accent. (Or at least write a blog post about it, as I keep meaning to.) Or maybe that will just have to wait for month two...
05 October 2010
everything in its right place
My office is in this building. It is one of the ugliest, out-of-place buildings I think I have ever been in.
My office is on the 7th floor and from it I can see all the way past the West End from my desk. It's an amazing view.
Tonight I went up to the 14th floor and saw all of the city as the sun set and night fell - it was beautiful. I thought to myself, "I live here. This is my city."
This is the first time I've truly felt like it's not some sort of weird interim thing - I really am here, and this is really what I am doing. I have worked so hard to be here, and being here finally feels absolutely right.
28 September 2010
this is happening!
Today is my first day of classes! I'm wearing my lucky underwear for the occasion.
I'm excited to get started, because it means I will be busy and meeting people, which is what I want. At present moment, I am only taking a reasearch skills class, which is only for first-year postgraduate students, so we'll all be in the same situation! I still have a lot to do in terms of getting all set up, but at least I will be around other people.
I've been told I'm the first person in something like 10 years to come here specifically to work with this one guy, who basically invented my field - that's totally not a high pressure situation! I keep reminding myself they wouldn't have me here if I couldn't do it. But at the same time, I am letting myself be scared, because it is OK to be scared! I think I would be more worried if I wasn't scared about this. I am a long way from home and I am doing okay. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.
I'm excited to get started, because it means I will be busy and meeting people, which is what I want. At present moment, I am only taking a reasearch skills class, which is only for first-year postgraduate students, so we'll all be in the same situation! I still have a lot to do in terms of getting all set up, but at least I will be around other people.
I've been told I'm the first person in something like 10 years to come here specifically to work with this one guy, who basically invented my field - that's totally not a high pressure situation! I keep reminding myself they wouldn't have me here if I couldn't do it. But at the same time, I am letting myself be scared, because it is OK to be scared! I think I would be more worried if I wasn't scared about this. I am a long way from home and I am doing okay. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.
25 September 2010
Stranger in a Strange Land
Before I left for Scotland, everyone was telling me how very brave they thought I was - going so far away to a place I had never been, without knowing anybody there. And I appreciated that, but I never really thought of myself as being brave. I was doing what I had to do - the guy who essentially invented what I do is here, there's a lot of linguistics stuff happening here (sometime in the next few weeks I am meeting with someone who is working on the Oxford English Thesaurus!). It just made sense to come to Glasgow.
It turns out it was a brave thing to do.
I've been here a little over a week and things are going really well. Don't get me wrong - it's terrifying to be in a new city, let alone a new country by yourself! There are good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours, but it's really about little victories. I rode the tube by myself to go somewhere new and I didn't get lost! I went to the pub by myself and read some newspapers for a couple of hours. I asked someone to lunch and we talked for a while. I just got back from meeting another grad student who is also an American - we met up with a couple of her friends from her church, who were amazing and helpful and very kind.
Luckily everyone speaks English and everyone is very friendly. (This is the friendliest city I've ever been in!). The other students in my program are very nice and very helpful but I'm trying to not depend on them for everything, you know? I send them emails asking what I should do on a weekend, and they were all great, giving me some pubs to check out, and suggestions for theatres to go to.
But, it's hard when you don't know anybody. How do you make friends in a city? I'm trying to push my boundaries a little bit, be open to anything, and attend anything I am invited to. Do you have any ideas, dear readers?
It turns out it was a brave thing to do.
I've been here a little over a week and things are going really well. Don't get me wrong - it's terrifying to be in a new city, let alone a new country by yourself! There are good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours, but it's really about little victories. I rode the tube by myself to go somewhere new and I didn't get lost! I went to the pub by myself and read some newspapers for a couple of hours. I asked someone to lunch and we talked for a while. I just got back from meeting another grad student who is also an American - we met up with a couple of her friends from her church, who were amazing and helpful and very kind.
Luckily everyone speaks English and everyone is very friendly. (This is the friendliest city I've ever been in!). The other students in my program are very nice and very helpful but I'm trying to not depend on them for everything, you know? I send them emails asking what I should do on a weekend, and they were all great, giving me some pubs to check out, and suggestions for theatres to go to.
But, it's hard when you don't know anybody. How do you make friends in a city? I'm trying to push my boundaries a little bit, be open to anything, and attend anything I am invited to. Do you have any ideas, dear readers?
15 September 2010
leaving on a jet plane
I've been flying on planes since I was a baby. I really love flying; it makes me feel really safe. I realize I am probably in the minority of people who feel this way. I guess I really just love condensed spaces. I love airports, too; I love sitting at a gate watching the planes come and go. The whole experience is just really comforting to me.
I have flown a lot of times in my life, often internationally (to Canada, mind you, which is in fact a different country, though I assure you this only a mere technicality).
Tonight I am getting on a plane that will take me to London. Tomorrow morning I am getting on a second plane to Glasgow.
I do not know anybody in Scotland.
I am in the program that I have been dreaming about for years.
This is really happening. I am really doing this. I am so nervous and excited.
(I should warn you that I will probably not have internet access for a few days, and I am going to be super busy in the first week or so. However, I will be back on here as soon as possible.)
I have flown a lot of times in my life, often internationally (to Canada, mind you, which is in fact a different country, though I assure you this only a mere technicality).
Tonight I am getting on a plane that will take me to London. Tomorrow morning I am getting on a second plane to Glasgow.
I do not know anybody in Scotland.
I am in the program that I have been dreaming about for years.
This is really happening. I am really doing this. I am so nervous and excited.
(I should warn you that I will probably not have internet access for a few days, and I am going to be super busy in the first week or so. However, I will be back on here as soon as possible.)
13 September 2010
left and leaving
This past weekend I was in New Hampshire for what is more than likely the last time, engaging in what I called Operation SEE ALL THE PEOPLE. It was like a choose-your-own adventure game, but featuring me. I would be in/on/around Planet UNH for about 56 consecutive hours (including sleeping) and everyone had the opportunity to make plans with me - I would do whatever they wanted me to do. While this might sound like a logistical disaster it actually worked out very well - I think I saw something like 30-40 people while I was around.
And everyone had such nice things to say! There were so many nice words of affirmation and love and encouragement from so many people - people who i seriously respect were telling me that I am inspiring and motivated and intelligent and Going To Do Great Things.
It was strange to be in a place where I was essentially outmoded - the freshmen are tiny babies and I felt too old and out of place. (A friend put it well when she said "if you had been here for another year you would hate it. you've maximized the university at this point.") While I'm really nervous about meeting my new department on Thursday - they are all going to be smarter than me! - I am super excited about the classes that I'm taking and what I will be doing. I know that I am definitely making the right decision. There's no second guessing getting on a plane.
And everyone had such nice things to say! There were so many nice words of affirmation and love and encouragement from so many people - people who i seriously respect were telling me that I am inspiring and motivated and intelligent and Going To Do Great Things.
It was strange to be in a place where I was essentially outmoded - the freshmen are tiny babies and I felt too old and out of place. (A friend put it well when she said "if you had been here for another year you would hate it. you've maximized the university at this point.") While I'm really nervous about meeting my new department on Thursday - they are all going to be smarter than me! - I am super excited about the classes that I'm taking and what I will be doing. I know that I am definitely making the right decision. There's no second guessing getting on a plane.
30 August 2010
27 August 2010
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
Sometimes I get really freaked out over moving to a new country. It's not like I will be a state or two away from home.
But then I remember that the ocean is a state
and a country is a state
and when you look at it that way
I really will be only a few states away.
---
I'm bad at change and this is a big one.
I have the pre-college jitters again. Only this time they are simultaneously pre- and post-college jitters. I know what I am doing. I know what academia is like, I know what I am studying and how to study it. But I don't know what happens next.
Nobody moves transatlantically by themselves to a new country for five years immediately out of college... right? I mean, I guess if you are in the peace corps or if you are one of my friends teaching English in a third-world country you are in the same boat as me. But you have a timeline, and then you come back home. I am pretty much moving to a new country semi-permanently; I don't know if I will ever be moving back to the States, which is terrifying in the present tense. I don't know anyone there, I'm going alone. It's not like a study abroad program where there's a whole crowd of people - I'm going by myself.
Right now, five years feels very permanent - even though I am going to be fine in the long run. People move all the time, and besides, you have to move sometime. You don't want to stay in one place for too long anyway. Everything is always fine once you get settled.
But in the meantime, everyone wants me to be excited about Scotland. And I am, I promise. I worked really hard to get into this program. It's just that right now I feel like I'm treading water while holding a toaster above my head.
But then I remember that the ocean is a state
and a country is a state
and when you look at it that way
I really will be only a few states away.
---
I'm bad at change and this is a big one.
I have the pre-college jitters again. Only this time they are simultaneously pre- and post-college jitters. I know what I am doing. I know what academia is like, I know what I am studying and how to study it. But I don't know what happens next.
Nobody moves transatlantically by themselves to a new country for five years immediately out of college... right? I mean, I guess if you are in the peace corps or if you are one of my friends teaching English in a third-world country you are in the same boat as me. But you have a timeline, and then you come back home. I am pretty much moving to a new country semi-permanently; I don't know if I will ever be moving back to the States, which is terrifying in the present tense. I don't know anyone there, I'm going alone. It's not like a study abroad program where there's a whole crowd of people - I'm going by myself.
Right now, five years feels very permanent - even though I am going to be fine in the long run. People move all the time, and besides, you have to move sometime. You don't want to stay in one place for too long anyway. Everything is always fine once you get settled.
But in the meantime, everyone wants me to be excited about Scotland. And I am, I promise. I worked really hard to get into this program. It's just that right now I feel like I'm treading water while holding a toaster above my head.
05 August 2010
in which i have feelings about prop 8
As I'm sure you know by now, Judge Vaughn Walker overturned Prop 8 yesterday afternoon. Proposition 8 was passed by voters in 2008 and effectively repealed same-sex marriage in California.
Obviously, it was a big deal to repeal same-sex marriage in one of the most stereotypically liberal places in the country. There were protests, there were rallies, there were viral video campaigns, there were celebrity speak-outs. Barack Obama had just been elected president around the same time. We - anyone who could be construed as even kind of liberal - were all certain that The World Was Going To Change For The Better. It was going to be great! "Yes we can," we had said. We did!
I remember November 5, 2008. We were all high off the announcement of President-Elect Barack Obama; we were full of joy and hope. We were proud to be Americans, Americans who had just elected our first African-American president, we were going to be Liberal Progressives and we had silenced McCain and Palin. I mostly remember being glad that the election was over so I wouldn't have to hear anything about it anymore; nobody would be chasing me across the street begging me to vote!
The next day, I remember hearing that Prop 8 had passed. I remember being kind of hurt and but still riding high from the night before. It's going to be okay, I thought. It won't be nearly as bad as the past eight years. We have Obama, not Bush. It's going to be okay. (I also remember not wanting to put all my trust for a country in one person; I remember not entirely liking Obama's LGBT policies and plans and I remember being distrustful of political promises. I knew that I was being stupid and naive, so easily deluded by our Liberal Progressiveness! But I wanted to believe, oh how I wanted to believe.)
I put Prop 8 out of my mind. California's far away, I thought. Things can change still. Other states will pass civil unions. There are 49 other states. It's scary to know that same-sex marriages can and will be repealed, but at least they had them, right? New Hampshire had just begun to talk about it. It was an exciting time. My home state of Massachusetts was the first state to legalize gay marriage, and I was hoping to see the same live-free-or-die philosophy honored in my adopted home state. New Hampshire's civil union ruling went into effect on January 1 of this year. It is exciting to be young and queer in the midst of this political process.
I kept pushing Prop 8 out of my head as more states started to institute civil unions. It's a frustratingly slow process; it doesn't always feel like you are moving forward. Sometimes it feels like you are moving backwards.
On the road to LGBTQ+ equality, every state that starts to think about civil unions is a baby step. Every state that passed civil unions and/or same-sex marriage is another baby step. I have friends who are not in support of marriage, calling it a heterosexist institution. But before you can overthrow an institution you need to have it securely in place. Baby steps. Gay marriage with full civil liberties will eventually become Non-Modifier Marriage. We need marriage before we can overthrow marriage.
Straight folks can get married and divorced and married and divorced; something like 50% of marriages end in divorce. Maybe you are the one ruining the institution of marriage. How does that feel? Not so good, right?
Here's the thing about being gay: you are repeatedly told that your identity is inherently wrong. Being gay is the scariest fucking thing, every single day.
This past fall, Maine was voting on legalizing civil unions. In October, I went to a concert in Portland and saw many God Hates Fags signs while I was there. Maine, twenty minutes away from me at UNH, didn't feel like a very safe place anymore.
Maine's civil unions bill didn't pass. I read the news that morning, heartbroken, and cried for a while. How could this happen? How could this happen so close to me? And then I remembered Prop 8. I remembered how many lives these rulings touch and affect. I couldn't believe I had forgotten about it.
Knowing that California has reversed their ruling makes me so, so happy because it is a huge step towards equality. Of course there are going to be appeals, and of course it's going to keep going on and on in circles for a while. But yesterday was a huge, huge victory for so many people. And not just in California - this struggle for equality is worldwide.
I can't wait to tell my kids about it one day.
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